Oddly enough, fate has put me in a position that has me simultaneously pondering on all of the main topics I write about here. And it has made one of my friend’s previous comments eerily prescient. I was complaining about trying to be Superwoman (or trying NOT to be), and she said that having shoulder surgery helped her to realize that the world could go on without her.
Almost exactly 24 hours after breaking my foot (and THAT was a funny story), I am still not anywhere close to accepting that possibility. I simply don’t know how some things are going to get done while I sit here on the couch, my foot immobile.
(I could say on the one hand that I’m simply trying to be a good patient and obey doctor’s orders, but really, I’m only sitting here because moving my foot in any way sends shards of pain screaming up my leg and through my body. Sitting still doesn’t hurt. Simple as that.) My children are hovering (not too close, or my husband says, “Leave her alone!” but not too far so they are available if I call for help). They circle me to fill my water glass or bring me things because I can’t carry anything while hobbling around on crutches. And it’s great that they’re able to do that. But that’s not going to last. Two of them are set to go to camp tomorrow, and my husband either has work or has scheduled to go help hike with them in two days, making all three not available to wait on me hand and … foot.
That leaves me to ask other people for help. A few friends and some extended family who live close by. I know they are happy to help, but I also know that they have families and other people who need them for various things at various times. Heck, everyone I know is busy. It’s hard to ask for help because I know it will invariably displace something or someone else in their lives. The superwoman in me cringes.
Sitting here reminds me of what usually keeps me busy and that those things either are not getting done, period, or that I’m not getting to do them. Food can be handed off to someone else (breakfast: cereal, toast, eggs?; dinner: takeout, stir-fry, or friends). Laundry can be done by someone else with a little guidance. Grocery shopping was done last night by my husband with a little bit of guidance. At the same time, I kind of miss being able to get up and make dinner or breakfast if I feel like it (but a lot of the time I do get tired of constantly having to think up what the menus are going to be). Right now, I can’t go out and swim with the girls. I can’t go bike-riding. I can’t do some fun, active things.
What’s also weighing on my mind is just that: weight. I cannot exercise right now. I can barely get down the hall to go to the bathroom without the possibility of putting some weight on my foot and screaming out. But I love my daily workouts. They just make me feel good. And psychologically and literally, I know that working out can help keep my weight down, or even help me lose weight.
So right now, I’m scared to death that I might be stuck unable to exercise at all for a week or six weeks or somewhere in between. At the very least, there’s no doubt I’ll be limited in what kind of exercise I can do. And since I’ve already written about how I’m already at my heaviest weight pretty much ever, I’m feeling a bit panicky now (and despite my efforts and awareness, I am succumbing to feeling bad about how I look). And I’ve also already posted about my issue with food. So sitting here, not exercising, combined with being within one room of the kitchen (even though I do have to ask people to bring me stuff), along with my emotional frustration of being immobile and incapable, which leads me to want to eat (which I DO plan to work on, but this situation has all kinds of ingredients for setback), is definitely a recipe for weight gain. NOOOOOOOOO!
Now, once I stop crying and get myself in hand, I can try to shore up my emotions and think about the possibilities that might even be positive. But it’s going to take work. And that’s daunting. I’m frustrated and a little depressed about this and feeling completely out of control. And somehow within this really-not-ideal situation I must find the emotional strength to pull it together and eat sensibly and make the best of this.
So here I am, thinking, pondering, wishing, and still trying to run my kingdom from my throne, dependent on my loyal subjects to carry out my wishes. I’m scared, I’m worried, I’m nervous. My immediate future is a big question mark. Right now I kind of wish I was Superwoman. If I were, some crystal would heal my foot, and I could fly off at top-speed to catch up on what I’m not being able to get done. Oh well. Stay tuned to see what amazing life lessons I learn from this experience.